This morning whatever wheels that were keeping our quarantine homeschooling moving forward effectively fell off. And the cart crashed. And went up in flames.
Smoke is still rising.
Yesterday began week 4 of this new form of school and week 6 of isolation, so I suppose a collision was inevitable. And it seems far from recovery even now, much later in the day.
Many memes, gifs and texts (with way too many poop emoji’s) have been shared with friends as weird therapy to get through this surreal reality we’re all together but separately enduring. “How many more walls will be hit?” we jointly yet independently wonder, as we take each day at a time, telling ourselves it won’t last forever.
In unison, yet very much apart from each other, we are experiencing this thing. Sure, some are suffering more, either from the virus or death, pain or loneliness, job-loss or financial burdens, marital trouble or parenting upheavals…all of the above. And some are mostly unaffected, going to jobs and managing home as usual, just with more lines in the grocery store and less toilet paper access.
Others have taken to conspiracy theories for answers. Digging deep into the mire of the internet to find meaning in wild ideas and stories of maniacle corruption – breeding discontent and hate for authority.
Wherever you find yourself on this scale, we are united in this. All of us turn on the news at night or in the morning and hear the same information about the latest news and all of us go to bed at night wondering what kind of future awaits us.
And there’s anxiety. And confusion. And fear.
A lot of platitudes go around when things like this happen. They’re meant to bring us together and make us feel part of the solution to this big problem. Covid 19’s catch phrase is “We’re all in this together”. Six feet apart but definitely together. And we are in this together, because all of us need to abide by the rules so that this whole thing can finally end. It’s a joint effort. And it’s nice to see the hearts on people’s windows (we have them) and hear the 7pm cheers for medical workers. All of it is touching and sweet and there is nothing wrong with that.
It’s just that platitudes don’t take the anxiety away. It might act as temporary relief from the reality we find ourselves in. Much like the memes and gifs that are passed around. They take the edge off. It’s just that the edge always comes back. Particularly when you’re trying to sleep. Or when you wake up at night for the forth time. Or when you open your eyes in the morning to embark on a day that you know will be identical to the last 40 days. It’s in those moments that pithy statements lose any ability to relieve stress, confusion or fear.
We are still in the middle of something none of us have ever experienced before and there is no way out of it. We have to keep waking up and doing the same thing. And if you’re anything like me, you find yourself twitchy by the end of the day because of it. But I’m twitchy because I’ve noticed something in me. I’ve recognized something terrible. The folly of my own heart – how small my understanding is.
I say I’m not afraid, particularly in conversation with other christians (because that’s the proper answer to give). However, that’s not true. No, I’m not frantic, or panicked, or racing from store to store stockpiling items for the apocalypse. But I am twitchy. I am getting less patient with my children. At times I give into confusion and wish things were back to the way they were. I’ve experienced grief over all the losses this season has brought.
Feeling all of these things isn’t wrong. We need to feel it in order to get through it. However if I’m being honest, every one of these emotions has been brought on by an underlining feeling of what I’ve been denying – fear.
I’m afraid life won’t be the same when this is all done and I won’t have all the little luxuries of life I’m used to (as gross as that is to admit). I’m nervous that things will be different forever and that the world my kids grow up in will be even scarier and more ominous than I already felt like it was. I’m concerned that the wheels on the school cart will never be put back on and the smoke that’s rising will continue to billow for weeks to come.
And what of church and gatherings of friends and concerts and sports and and and…?
What I realize now is that I’ve been fearing the wrong thing. Consider the very strong language of Isaiah 8:11-13. In this text, Judah and Jerusalem were stressed about a crisis over land wars, and amidst that fear God gave Isaiah this provocative message.
For the Lord spoke thus to me with his strong hand upon me, and warned me not to walk in the way of this people, saying: “Do not call conspiracy all that this people calls conspiracy, and do not fear what they fear, nor be in dread. But the Lord of hosts, him you shall honor as holy. Let him be your fear, and let him be your dread.
My fear is misplaced. And the fear you’ve been denying may be as well.
How tempting it is to try and solve problems with conspiracies or to fear everything everyone else is fearing. When, who should we really fear? This text is clear – the God who ordains illness and causes storms and allows tribulation. Fear GOD.
But how is that comforting? You may wonder.
It comforts because He is also the one that heals the sick, and calms the waves and He’s the only one who can inject joy into affliction. He also calls us to pray – which means the sovereign God of the universe wants US to talk to HIM. To call on his name and walk in this unknown with him securely by our side. He longs for His people to return from wandering in self-centred ways and embrace His will that is better than ours.
Fear Him.
We aren’t called to be skippy, twitchy Christians who spout platitudes or spin conspiracies in order to feel better or more in control of the situation. We are meant to fear God and in doing so, perhaps we too will be able to truly echo Paul’s words when he said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength”. (Philippians 4:12-13)
This is our call.
When homeschool is a fail and marital fights break out and confusion about finances are the daily battle – console your bewildered heart with the holy God. Honor Him by setting Him above it all. Find your strength for the day, not in your own wisdom or weak understanding, but in the fear of the holy God. The One who gives and takes away.
Reorient your fear and find comfort there.
hisgracemygrowth 