Ever been angry and not even know it?
When I am weary and heavy-laden I cry out to God, because I have read His words enough times to know that is what I should do.
This week was a significant week. Through a 3 day process we were able to understand our little boy just a little bit more. Severe life-long disabilities were tossed out of the equation and we were joyful for him. However a learning disorder was recognized that may follow him through his growing years causing him social and educational trials. The outcome was good, just not that good.
We got answers and for that we are relieved and thankful.
I prayed all week to God with thankfulness, and yet I am still pleading with God for my boy and the struggles he is likely to face. I have been preaching to myself the doctrines of grace like a good little Calvinist girl should.
My son struggles because the infection of sin started in the garden and continues to destroy this world in all ways including the physical. My main concern should be for my boy’s soul and I’ve been praying to God that Ben would be chosen by Him now. I prayed that Christ’s sacrifice would cover the many sins past, present and future for my son. I prayed that in return Ben would accept Christ’s invitation and not resist the Lord’s call on his life. And then I pleaded to God that my boy would persevere through the many hardships life will surely bring him and be caught up in the presence of his Savior on that glorious future day.
These were good prayers.
And when my little boy began experiencing severe night terrors this week, I pled with God again for Ben’s protection and blessing. I said to God over and over again, God, you can do it right now, you can calm my boy and end this 4 hour tyranny of terror he is facing. You can do it! You are sovereign over these matters. Do it!
Without me knowing it, my supplication became chastising. I believed my prayers were theologically correct. They were well-informed, doctrinally sound, spiritually savvy prayers.
Yet they had no effect.
They hit the ceiling and sprung back at me then bounced around the room. Nothing.
I only realized today that I was so angry. Although my words were spiritual, my heart was shaking its fist at God (I bet you didn’t know your heart had a fist). There was no peace like a river inside me, I was just saying what I figured was right in order to sway God in my direction. It was kind of like I was deceiving Him into giving me favor. Earning it with smarty-pants language.
And underneath all my correctness was a defeated woman saying, Really God? A learning disorder for my precious boy!? My miracle baby was born into this world just to struggle? Really? I love You, but You cease to amaze me with your plans. And now you seem to be placing us back into another terrible season of spirit-destroying, soul-ripping night terrors. Ben has to face this yet again! I can’t watch my boy struggle like that anymore. You are requiring too much of me! Your plans for my family are wrong!
The spoiled, pharisee in me reared its ugly head.
And after listening to the hymn Jesus paid it all and hearing what felt like for the first time the words,
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
I was reminded something simple but important. God is not asking me to understand everything He does. All He asks is that I not rest in my own understanding and knowledge. He asks me to take off the pride and anger and come to Him. Recognize my weariness and rest in Him. Although it is hard to do this, His yoke is easy.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30
My anger will not give me the rest I need. It will suck the life out of me and destroy my spirit. My soul will only find peace in a gentle and humble King.
A sovereign King who asks me to come to Him and He will take care of the rest.
And boy do I need rest.